The other thing that has hit me is that, because my mom died when she was 50, she was half done with her life at 25. I will be turning 25 in February, and that is a scary thought. Of course none of us knows our last day, for all I know half my life could have been two years ago, and I’d never know it. The point is that I realize more every day, that I need to do my best not to waste any time in my life. Not that I should rush into everything, but rather that I need to make sure I’m not spending time doing pointless activities. My time should be spent with people, building into them, caring for them, sharing life with them. People in my family, people in the body of Christ, people who need Christ. My life should be more Gospel centered, so that if my calling card is next year, in 25 years or in 50 years, I will be able to hear the words every Christian longs to hear when they get to heaven, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

Nadene

All the celebrating has been accompanied by some sadness. I really missed my mom. She always made birthdays special. Just her smile was enough to let me know how much she loved me and wanted to show me that on my birthday. One of the memories that popped into my head was my first year at college. My mom snuck into my dorm room, waited for me to come back from class. She was there with balloons and the biggest smile you ever saw! As I walked in the door, she said, “Surprise! Happy Birthday!!!” She explained that she couldn’t stand the thought of being away from me on my birthday so she took the day off of work and came up to surprise me and take me and any of my friends I wanted to dinner. I don’t even remember who I took or where we went but I do remember her smile and the love I felt from her. I want to cherish this memory forever! (which is why I’m writing it down so I will not forget!)

Every milestone of my life will be this way. Half of my heart will be joyful and the other half will be sorrowful. I was recently telling a friend that I’m sure that when I finally get my first full time job I will be balling and rejoicing all at the same time. The same will happen when I get engaged, get married, have my first child etc. I will always wish that she could be around to share in those memories. But she is so happy where she is, I could never ask her to come back. I just have to wait for my turn And don’t worry I’m not saying this as if I am planning on taking control of when I get to heaven, I’m saying this as Paul did:  I sometimes feel like I can hardly wait to get to heaven! I think this is actually how God wants us to live: longing for heaven, longing for eternity with Him. Oh how sweet that day will be!

Nadene

1. My employment is coming together. As you all know, my dream has always been to be a classroom teacher. God is in charge of making this a reality. My goal is to apply for as many teaching positions as I can and if I do not land in a job by this fall, then I will be looking to my current employer for a full time position as a director. Please pray that God will make it clear, what job I am truly supposed to have to use for His service.
2. I am seeking a new body of believers to fellowship with. I have been at my former congregation for about 16 years and I hope to make as many close relationships at my new church as I have had over the years at my former church. I am excited about this transition and I look forward to where God will lead me. For now I have at least found a career group to attend that has some wonderful people. It is just down the street from my home which is convenient, and I hope to feel comfortable in the larger congregation as well.

Today I was given a terriffic opportunity to help with an SAT prep project with my current boss. I am excited about the opportunity to be invovled in this project as well as getting the money that comes from more hours! I am thanking the Lord for always providing for me!

I know this was sort of breif and boring….sorry…but I just wanted to update you on the important stuff. Hope you all are doing well.

Nadene

More than ever I want to celebrate the future rather than picking through the past. So my goals for next year will be:
1) Pursue my relationship with God in an active rather than a passive way.
2) Pursue my career as a teacher with passion, not giving up if (or) when I am turned down.
3) Continue pursuing meaningful and healthy relationships with my family memebers.
4) Find and become involved in a new body of believers as quickly as possible.

New beginnings are refreshing to the soul. I think God intended for us to have new beginnings regularly. Jeremiah was inspired to write: “The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23. I wish I could feel that refreshed every morning! As if a New Year were happening every day! A new start, a new chance to live well in this world. And in Christ, we can. I am so glad I know a God who would have such patience.

Happy New Year everyone!!!

Nadene

I wanted to share something with you all. A friend of mine gave me a short article handed out by Little Company of Mary Hospital, called “Holiday Stress and Depression: 10 Tips For Coping” I think this actually applies to anyone with a tough situation for the holidays.

“1. Acknowledge your feelings. Be realistic about what emotions you’re likely to feel this season, don’t expect yourself to be cheery if you’re dealing with a difficult situation. Using a journal to express your  emotions can provide an outlet and often a sense of relief.

“2. Seek connection and support. Seek connection with family memebers and friends, and attend community, religious or social services. Consider volunteering. Getting involved and hleping others can lift your spirits out of a bad mood.

“3. Be realistic and flexible. As families change and grow, tracitions and rituals often change as well. Accept that you may have to let go of some, and seek to create new ones.

“4. Set differences aside. Try to accept family members and friends as they are, even if they don’t live up to all your expectations. Practice forgiveness. Set aside grievances until a more appropriate time for discussion.

“5. Stick to a budget. The current economy and emphasis on “going green” make it easier to suggest alternatives to extravagant gift giving. Don’t get drawn into the retail industry’s pressure to buy.  Set a budget for yourself, and plan out your gift giving.

“6. Don’t bandon healthy habits. Don’t let the holidays become a dietary free-for-all. Some indulgence is OK, but overindulgence only adds to your stess and guilt. Continue to get plenty of sleep and schedule time for physical activity.

“7. Take a breather. Make some time for yourself and pay attention to the details in your environment. A fire in a fireplace, some quiet music, and curling up in a warm blanket are calming to the soul. Spending just 15 minutes alone, without distractions, can refresh you enough to handle daily tasks.

“8. Rethink your resolutions. Goals and intentinal changes are a very positive toolset for your life. Go ahead and make a long list of resolutions, and then pick just one (a small one) to work on for the next three months. Don’t try to change your whole life at once.

“9. Forget about perfection. Accept imperfections in yourself and in others. Your emotions are greatly influenced by your inner self-talk, and critical self-talk is always a downer. Pay attention to your inner self-talk and take control of it, making it jovial and optimistic.

“10. Seek professional help if you need it. Sometimes “holiday blues” can be more serious and you may need professional help. If you find yourself feeling persistently sad, anxious, irritable or hopeless, your’e not suffering from normal holiday stress. Dr. James Brust, the Medical Director of the Bridges Psychiatric Unit at Little Company of Mary-San Pedro Hospital, advises that if these feelings last for several weeks. or cause you to consider any form of harm to yourself or to others, you should call your doctor or a mental health professional. Get help, because excellent help is available.”

_

_

Our family had a unique situation with my mom’s birthday because she shared the birthday with my dad. Yes, they were born on the same day a year apart. So this first birthday didn’t have as much sting as it would have in my opinion because the day did not simply go from “significant” to “just another day”. We still had something to celebrate: my dad! So we went to Tony’s on the pier and had a grand meal. We still missed my mom and wish she could have been here to celebrate another year of life. It was kind of interesting for me though, I think I felt more thankful for my dad and his life at that moment than I probably have felt in the past and I was able to enjoy our meal. I took some time later to allow myself to grieve over my mom not being there. In a way I was able to seperate the two and therefore have a balance between joy for my father and grief for my mother.

All of these things are new experiences, things I am figuring out as I go. There is no set path in grief, there are books but they only tell you that there’s no one way greif goes, you just have to experience it and go through it. I agree completely with my brother’s post about the holidays. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Our family is now one less and it is not easy trying to get used to thinking of “we” as only three people.

Nadene

Life has been going pretty fast for me lately. Last week I was a full time nanny for a family with three kids ages 5, 4, and 21 months. By the end of the week I was pooped!! I slept really well this last weekend and I’m completely recovered now. This week will be spent on getting back into my groove, which will include catching up on housework and laundry.

It is hard to believe that it is already November 10th!!!! I am more and more amazed at how time continues to pass even when I feel that I am standing still. I was surprised at myself throughout the month of October. I didn’t feel a whole lot of emotions specifically about my mom’s death. I was definitely emotional about other stuff though. Now that I am into November, I can feel the emotions specifically about her coming to the surface again. I think it is a combination of the holidays quickly approaching as well as the timing. This month it will be five months! I just can’t even believe it.

God has been very faithful in providing for me. The week of nannying certainly provided me with a lot of extra money that I need. God has also given me more hours at my job at Sylvan. My substituting still hasn’t come through yet, but I can see how God is providing for me anyway. My mom was a true believer in God’s provision. I watched that belief as I grew up and I saw how God always provided for us as a family, even in the worst of times. At this point I am not even close to those “worst of times” we experienced in the past, and still the memory of her belief is an inspiration to me now, to continue to trust the Lord for my needs.

Thank you all for your continued prayers! Again, please let me know of anything I can be praying for.
Nadene

Recently, I have been working on getting a second job. The one I have at Sylvan is great but I am not getting enough hours. Things are just slow there right now. So I am praying as I apply in several districts for substitute teaching positions. My goal is to have my own classroom in the 2009-2010 school year. I am thanking the Lord for my relationship with the Parsons who support me through giving me many many babysitting hours with their sweet kids! It’s such a teat!

I was able to do something very fun a few weeks ago. I went to Disneyland with my wonderful friend Ashely, whom I met in college. We had a blast riding all the rides, watching the “Billy Hill and the Hillbillies” show and taking a million picutes.  It was a nice break from the mundane, and who could be sad at the “Happiest Place on Earth!” Next month I get to go to Sea World for a friend’s birthday, and that will be my first trip to Sea World. Get excited!

One way I have been dealing with the ongoing process of healing is by meeting with someone to discuss how I’m feeling about everything about once a week. The woman that I am meeting with is very sweet and we have truly grown to be friends. During our last meeting, I realized I had made some real progress. This month, I didn’t obsess over the date my mom died. For those first few months I really noticed the days passing by. I knew exactly, to the day, how long it had been, and I knew how long it would be till the next month passed. However, this month, the 18th came and went completely unnoticed by my date radar. It was so nice to have something that I felt was a tangible way of looking back over the last few months and feeling like I had moved forward in my journey. Two months ago, I could not have imagined where I would be. It’s hard to see the road ahead of you in the journey of greif. I felt for awhile that I was simply walking on a treadmill, trying to move forward but when I looked around the scenery looked the same. I realize now that it’s kind of like how the world moves around the sun. You don’t feel it, but one day you suddenly realize that it’s getting dark at 6pm. The sun doesn’t all of a sudden go down at 6 instead of 8! The sun sets a little earlier every night. The change is very slow, but steady. That is exactly how this journey is: I am moving, slowly but steadily. I may not see the changes from day to day, but I will see the mile stones pop up periodically, and those mile stones will spur me on to continue walking, knowing that I will get where I need to go, if I walk in faith.

For the most part, I don’t’ really know what kinds of trials I will have along this journey. But one I can anticipate is the holidays. Yes, even though they are still a month away, we are preparing as a family for the upcoming holiday season. My mother LOVED the holidays. She loved us spending time as a family, she loved Christmas music, she loved the food, the desserts and celebrating God’s goodness to us. We are going to miss her a lot this holiday season. I am gearing myself up for my emotions to be out of wack, but I am also determined not to ignore the holidays. I want to spend Thanksgiving, truly giving thanks for my blessings, and Christmas enjoying the celebration of my Savior’s birth. I want to balance my grief with the joy that comes from having Christ.

Thank you to all of those of you who continue to pray for my family and I. I will always need your prayers and I hope that I can continue to lift you up in prayer as you need it as well. Again, I will try to be updating more often.

Nadene

1. I am thankful to God that he provided me with morning hours at my job. It gets me up at a reasonable hour but not at the butt crack of dawn and I work ’till noon everyday. This has created for me a morning schedule that suits my needs and pays very well for my bills.
2. After work I eat some lunch and let my food digest then I recently discovered a “complementary” Exercise TV program selection from our On Demand channel through our cable. I have been “walking away the blues” in my living room, as per the instructor’s words. It’s fun so far to try the different exercise videos that are available. They also get my heart rate up and get my joints moving like they should at my age!
3. After I finish my exercise I have begun to listen to a theatrical reading of the New Testament on CD. It’s been fun and very uplifting, much better than watching Judge Judy   While I listen I either sit quietly and take it all in or do some dishes or dusting around the house.

These are my first few “baby steps” (if you’ve ever seen the movie ‘What About Bob’ then you are laughing right now I hope). They are working so far. I still have many many sad moments, but overall I feel like I have a goal. The goal is to not crawl in a hole, but instead to live as my mother taught me to, “do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Our family greatly appreciates your continued prayers for our healing. We will continue to need it for a long long time.

Nadene

This is going to be a difficult road to travel but I am sure that my God is strong enough to carry me as He has carried me through many of life’s tough situations.
Thank you again for praying for my family and I. We definitely need it and we will forever be grateful for it.

In Christ,
Nadene Ames

As some of you may know, Deborah, my mom, has been off of chemotherapy treatments for the last month. It is now time to meet with her Oncologist once again to discuss her current condition, symptoms, treatment options, medication etc. Please pray for the following as we meet with her Doctor on Monday, June 16th.

1. Our family wants God to be the one in charge of the decisions made about Deborah’s care. There are many many things to consider in this situation and I don’t think any one person feels fully equipped to make the “correct” decision. We all want what is best in God’s eyes for Deborah. Please pray that God would make the ultimate decision and show us clearly what that is.
2. Deborah has been experiencing many uncomfortable symptoms, aches and pains, difficulty breathing, difficulty eating, and many other just feeling “yucky” symptoms. Please pray that God will give her body some rest from these exhausting pains and difficulties.
3. Our family needs our God every minute of every day, but we are only human. Please pray that God would continue to keep us close to Himself, that we would rely on Him for even the little things like patience in the grocery store
4. To add to number 3, I believe our family is under a great trial and attack from Satan. Deborah’s condition is only one of many burdens our family is bearing. Please pray that God would keep us safe from the enemy’s attacks. Pray that we would be able to stand up under our trial and endure it with the joy of the Lord as our strength.
5. Lastly, please pray for yourselves. I pray for every person that prays for us. I thank God for you and pray that you will continue to pray for us. I pray that God will bless you for your kind and willing hearts. I thank God for the church in the Biblical sense of the word: the body of Christ. Many of you have shown that you are the hands and feet of God helping us in our time of need, and I thank God for providing such willing servants in our lives.

1. Blood Transfusions: Mom has continued to need blood transfusions every three weeks. The chemo is continuing to knock these numbers down. Please pray that her blood would replenish itself. Pray also that her body would continue to receive the blood she gets with no reactions, and that she would continue to receive safe blood. (by that I mean good, healthy blood, we know the hospitals run many tests to make sure the blood is safe but we have heard some unsettling stories recently that despite tests some people have received bad blood. Please pray this will not happen to us and that our family will continue to have peace that God chooses the blood she receives.)
2. Fatigue: The chemotherapy and simply her disease in general, are causing mom to feel a chronic fatigue. She is constantly tired and seems to have fewer and fewer days where she feels any kind of energy. Please pray that God will give her rest in the evenings that would renew her sense of “awakeness” (is that a word? Oh well, you know what I mean). Please pray also that she would find a balance between sleeping and resting when she really needs to, and being awake to do the things she wants to do.
3. Breathing: Mom has been having more trouble keeping her breath lately. She simply walks the length of our home and is winded. She did a “walking test” on Monday (5/5) that tested her oxygen level both sitting and walking around. The Dr. Concluded that she does qualify for oxygen. She will be using the oxygen when she is walking longer distances and when she is moving around more. Please pray that the process of getting the oxygen is smooth and that it will help her breathe “normally” again. (I put “normally” in quotes because who knows what normal is anyway? haha) Mom was also given an inhalor that the Dr. thinks may help her. So please pray that we will figure out what works for her so she can breathe better.
4. The Rest of us in the Family: God seems to be allowing Satan to attack our family and putting us through many trials not only with mom’s condition but in our individual lives as well. Please pray that we will stand the test. That we will rise up under our trials and live to show the world that our God is real and that He never leaves us or forsakes us. Pray that our family would continually be strengthened not only physically, but spiritually. In all reality, the spiritual outlasts the physical and it is by far the most important thing! Please lift us up in prayer through these trials and tribulations.

1. YOU!!!! I thank God for all of the many many people who pray for us, and continue to offer their help in various ways. Say a little prayer thanking God that He chose you to be His hands and feet of service to our family.
2. There are some women in my mom’s Bible study that we need to praise God for. They have set up meals to be brought to our home on Mondays and Fridays (the days that are hardest for us to cook!) Praise God for these women’s hearts of service and praise God for their delicious food!!! We are extremely grateful!
3. There are many little things that are too many to list here that God has orchestrated and set in place for us both in mom’s specific situation and in our lives individually. I want you to take time to thank God that He is in the little things of our lives (and yours!). It gives our spirits a little lifting when we can see those little blessings from God throughout the day.

We also would like you to say a special prayer for our dear friends The Coco Family. One year ago today they lost their beautiful 23 year-old daughter, Alese Coco to Hodgkin’s Disease. The Coco Family has been a source of inspiration to us as well as a constant stream of tireless help for our family, despite their incredible loss. Today also marks the launch of Fight2Win.org, a non-profit organization dedicated to funding research to fight and win the battle against Hodgkin’s Disease.

Thank you again, all for your support in prayer. I don’t know where we would be without your prayers and intercession. We are eternally grateful for your effforts.

Deborah, my Mom, is currently on chemotherapy treatment for her ovarian cancer. She goes to chemotherapy every Monday for about two hours. She then gets a blood test every Friday to check her blood levels to make sure they are all in good standing. When Deborah’s blood levels get low, she has to get a shot to boost them. If the shot alone is not enough, then she has to get a blood transfusion. So far in this chemotherapy, she has had to receive two tranfusions. One was about three weeks ago and the most current transfusion was this past Tuesday, April 15. After the transfusion this week, she has been very tired. Unfortunately, at the moment chemotherapy and low blood levels are not all she is dealing with. Deborah is also taking antibiotics for a bladder infection. The antibiotics have caused her to have a headache for the last few days

Please pray for the following in the coming days and weeks:

1. That Deborah’s blood levels will stabilize so that she will not have to continue to receive blood transfusions.
2. That Deborah’s bladder infection will be healed with the antibiotics.
3. That Deborah’s headaches from the antibiotics would subside.
4. That the low grade fever she recently acquired will go down.
5. That we as a family would continue to support one another graciously as these times can be very stressful.

Thank you all so much for your prayers. We know they make a difference!

In Christ,
Nadene Ames

I was actually trying to finish my undergraduate work at The Master’s College, when this journey began. I am so thankful that I was placed at TMC during that time. We found out that my mom had to have surgery in October, so I arranged with my professors to be gone and tried to get ahead on assignments. Funny how God changes our plans isn’t it? I planned to be gone for maybe two or three days but I ended up being out of school for two weeks!! Folks, you do not miss two weeks of college and pass all of your classes! I started thinking that I would have to postpone my last semester, but God had the perfect plan in place. He gave me amazing professors who gave me grace upon grace for assignments. They helped me after class to catch me up on material, they set aside handouts, and gave me tips on how to get the most out of my work without taking too much time on it. I ended up passing all of my classes that semester despite those two weeks out, and my time spent going home on weekends. I don’t want to make it sound as if I didn’t work for my grades. I certainly earned them, I did all the work asked of me, but I was given a different time table to do it in. I am so thankful that God put those gracious professors in my life at that time.

Now I am finished, not only with undergrad, but I have my teaching credential! God’s grace has been abundant! I am now experiencing God’s grace in the every day care of my Mom and the household responsibilities. God has taught me a lot about communication, patience, endurance, and how to glorify Him in the “small” things like dishwashing and toilet cleaning God has opened my eyes to some of the gifts He has given me. For example, I love to organize things around the house. I never used to think of this as anything but a neurotic behavior until this last weekend. I had the opportunity of going on a retreat where the speaker focused the weekend on spiritual gifts and strengths that God has given us. It came to my attention that God is organized. There is order in the universe and therefore organization is one of His gifts to me. (I know it’s not a specific spiritual gift but it’s still something God has given to me.) God opened my eyes to see that my love of organization and my ability to organize is from Him and is an attribute that He possesses. So in my organization, I can glorify Him. I think that’s an amazing thing!

My hope as you read this blog that my family is working to compose, is that you will see God’s hand in our lives. Not so you will think about how great we are, but so you will see how great our God is and know and believe that He has His hand in your life as well. God is working, He is not indifferent to our sufferings and trials. There is one sentence that my mentor said to me in one of my darkest moments when I was scared, hurt and felt that God was distant. OUR GOD DOES NOT CHANGE WITH OUR CIRCUMSTANCE. What a hard yet comforting concept. He is the same, yesterday, today and forever. My earthly circumstances may change but God will remain the same. Hope in that… believe in that. Believe in the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. The God that calmed the storm and fed the five-thousand. Believe in and Trust Him, and then look forward to the eternity you will have in His presence.

5Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
-Proverbs 3:5

In Christ,
Nadene Ames